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Aug 15, 2012 - Explore Celeb Poker by Viaden's board 'Funny Poker', followed by 108 people on Pinterest. See more ideas about poker, funny, texas holdem poker. Funny poker quotes. “Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.” Steven Wright. “Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards.” George Carlin. “The next best thing about gambling and winning is gambling and losing.”. 30,202 Poker cartoons on GoGraph. Download high quality Poker cartoons from our collection of 41,940,205 cartoons.

Contents

Looking for the best way to improve your mood or make your friends laugh? Focus on this awesome collection of funny one liners and pick out a few to rattle them off at the next friend get-together.

Best One Liners Ever

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With these best one liners ever, you can find yourself laughing like a crazed hyena. Moreover, they can always help you avoid silly moments of silence when you’re with your friends.

1. I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.
2. I’m on a whiskey diet…I’ve lost three days already.
3. I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems – the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.
4. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
5. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
6. My first experience with culture shock? Probably when I peed on an electric fence.
7. When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.
8. As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.
9. If you think eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better.
10. The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
11. The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old.
12. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

Famous One Liner Jokes

Here are some famous one liner jokes that can easily lift your spirits. Most of these cute one liners are from the iconic comedians and others are from random people.

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1. I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana – mafia.
2. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
3. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
4. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
5. I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it.
6. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
7. You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.
   99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
8. Hedgehogs, eh? Why can’t they just share the hedge?
9. My friends tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.
10. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
11. One snowman asks another, “Do you smell carrots?”

Great Clever One Liners

Who says that clever one liners can’t be crazy and hilarious? Read this selection and get a great humor change.

1. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.
2. Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
3. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
4. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they open their mouths.
5. You have two parts of the brain, “left” and “right” – in the left side, there’s nothing right and in the right side, there’s nothing left.
6. Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
7. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
8. It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.
9. Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
10. My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
11. Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
12. Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.

New Corny One Liners

Enjoy laughing out loud to our new corny one liners.

1. My father is schizophrenia, but he’s good people.
2. Why do bees hum? They don’t remember the lyrics!
3. Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.
4. Worrying works! More than 90 percent of the things I worry about never happen.
5. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time…’ A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this…
6. Well, here I am! What are your other two wishes?
7. I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
8. A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”
9. There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss.
10. I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
11. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
12. Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.

Clean One Liner Jokes

There’s nothing better than a good smile, and what better way to do so that with these clean one liner jokes below.

1. The liberals can understand everything but people who don’t understand them.
2. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
3. To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
4. Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 children are enough.
5. Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
6. A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
7. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
8. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
9. The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs
10. I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.
11. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
12. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Good One Liner Puns

Our good one liner puns are a wonderful source of excellent mood. Enjoy them!

1. What is worse than ants in your pants?
2. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
3. I don’t have a girlfriend, but I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.
4. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
5. Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?
6. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
7. The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.
8. You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
9. Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
10. I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls.
11. I own the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it’s awful.
12. What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

Bad One Liners

Remember, a bad one liner can also be a perfect thing to stuck the tension out of the room during the uncomfortable moments of silence.

1. I have 3 kids and no money, why I can’t I have no kids and 3 money.
2. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
3. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
   What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
4. My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
5. My math teacher called me average. How mean!
6. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
7. Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
8. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology – don’t buy it!
9. I struggle with Roman numerals until I get to 159, then it just CLIX.
10. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
11. I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.

Witty Single Liners

Glance at these really cool witty single liners and forget about your bad mood forever.

1. I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
2. Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
3. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
4. All pro athletes are bilingual. They speak English and profanity.
5. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
6. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
7. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
8. Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.
9. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.
10. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
11. With great power, comes great electricity bills.
12. Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn’t tried wiping their but with an IPad.

Dumb One Liners

Don’t ignore our dumb one liners. In some cases, a portion of dry humor is what you really need when you’ve got a bad day or problems at work.

1. Money talks: mine always says is goodbye.
2. I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it: it’s all about balance.
3. I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.
4. I’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.
5. Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal!
6. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
7. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
8. Take my advice – I’m not using it.
9. People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times.
10. The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”.
11. I’m at the age where I can’t take anything with a grain of salt.
12. The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

Funny One Liners for Adults

Super funny one liners for adults should always be in your back pocket. You never know when you’re going to need them!

1. My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
2. I tried to change my password to penis but they said it was too short.
3. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
4. I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina, but you will never get it.
5. I’ve spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no-one will do it.
6. My ex girlfriend had this really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up like herself, and act like a fucking bitch all the time.
7. Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?
8. My girlfriend used to smoke after sex, so we started using lube.
9. Sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up.
10. The problem with sex in the movies is, that the popcorn usually spills.
11. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.
12. My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.

Hilarious Short One Liner Jokes

Below we’ve collected the most hilarious short one liner jokes. Look at them and share your positive emotions with your friends.

1. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
2. My fear of moving stairs is escalating.
3. If nothing was learned, nothing was taught.
4. Velcro – what a rip-off!
5. Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine.
6. If you are here – who is running hell?
7. Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.
8. Nothing tops a plain pizza.
9. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
10. There’s no “I” in denial.
11. A day without sunshine is like, night.
12. Born free, taxed to death.

Dark Humor One Liners

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What do you need after a tough day at work? Perhaps our selection of dark humor one liners… Just read and giggle, giggle, giggle…

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1. Last night, I played poker with Tarot cards … got a full house and 4 people died.
2. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
3. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
4. Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?
5. It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
6. Life’s like a bird. It’s pretty cute until it poops on your head.
7. Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
8. Never challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
9. Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
10. Dark humor is like love – not everyone gets it!
11. My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
12. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.

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Our collection contains some of the most interesting and ridiculous one liners. Choose the best ones to entertain yourself or your friends.